It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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