Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
