hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
