I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
