he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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