omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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