I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
