So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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