Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
