i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize