So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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