I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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