Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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