I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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