I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
