matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
