Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
