So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
