So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
