i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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