There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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