I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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