i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
