I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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