I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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