I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
