look no pants
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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