Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
