Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i need some magic done to my vagina
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
