I just threw up on my dentist
Small penises have feelings too.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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