they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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