I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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