BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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