Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
