im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
