I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
