I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
