did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
