So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
