...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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