How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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