I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
