theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
