I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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