im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
