Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
