He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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