the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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