My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
