you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
