Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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