So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
