Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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