Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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