What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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