Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
