dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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