There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just had sex on a roof
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
